Adieu. . . for now

I have so many posts floating around in my head and on the computer just waiting to be finished.  I, however, return to school next week and am already busily preparing for my return.    I hate that I haven't added anything substantive to the discussion here recently.  My last post was just more of an FYI and contained very little about who I am and what's going on in my life and with my quest for truth.  I want to leave you all (since I don't know how long it will take me to return to a point where I have time to write here) with just a few extra things.

First of all, I would love to implore you all to please not judge me based on what you think you know of agnostics or atheists.  There are very outspoken atheists (like Richard Dawkins) that may give you a preconceived notion of what atheists are like.  As with Fred Phelps (look him up if you don't know who he is, he'll scare your socks off so beware) and his representation of Christianity, they are the exception not the rule. They are both extreme versions of the groups they claim to represent.  So please respect me enough to not associate what I believe with what he represents.  I don't have any beef with Christians.  Sometimes I can get a little passionate and perhaps defensive but that's because I do often feel so put on the defensive.  I've tried, in my writings, to only point out the ways that certain theologies seem contradictory to me and not to attack those who believe them.  I hope that I have been more successful at that than not.  I do not wish to try and convert anyone to my way of thinking or to even make anyone question their own beliefs.  My entire purpose here is to give you all a glimpse into who I am and where I'm coming from so that you can know me better.  Trying to keep my faith a secret was so isolating.  I want to be honest with myself and with those I love (you guys!) about where I am in my life.  This has been a very confusing journey and being so isolated from sharing with you all where I was with it was very difficult.  I'm worried though, that through the magic of presuppositions, I am just as isolated now even though I have shared this part of me.  I beg of you all, please, please don't judge me on who you think I am.  If you have questions about what I believe PLEASE ask me.  I set this whole thing up to be open with you.  To explain where I am coming from.  To give you a glimpse into a part of my identity that I'm still working daily to define.  I am not amoral and do have a well defined code of behavior that is daily questioned and refined.  I am still, however, human and do have a big tendency to overreact, act selfishly and even be spiteful.  Those aren't a result of my agnosticism.  They are a result of my humanity.  Please don't ascribe any of those things to my beliefs or confusion of beliefs.

Secondly, just to clear up any confusion on where I stand with my beliefs right now.  I define myself as Agnostic.  The dictionary (New Oxford American Dictionary) I have in front of me  defines agnostic as:

"a person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond material phenomena; a person whoclaims neither faith nor disbelief in God."

While that isn't exactly what I believe I feel that the a loose application of the definition applies to me and until I know another word that better describes me, I'll continue to use it.  I don't know what I do believe about the existence of God.  I plan to keep seeking even if I never do find the answers I'm looking for.  I don't know if the answers are out there but I believe there is enough reason to keep looking.  As I have described in my post about why I am not a Christian, I have many reasons to distrust God, should he exist.  Therefore, you may from time to time, hear me refer to myself as atheist.  It's not that I necessarily don't believe in God, but sometimes it is easier to simply not believe than to believe in God and hate him.  While I don't have much of a desire for a spiritual relationship or fellowship in a church I do believe that we will be attending a Unitarian Universalist church for help in our quest of understanding the different faiths.

Lastly, and I know I've covered this already, please engage in dialogue with me about what I believe.  Please don't attack me because that will only serve to make me defensive, but don't treat me and my faith like the big elephant in the room.  I don't mind talking about it and it actually helps me flesh out what I do believe.  Please don't make assumptions about what you think I believe.  Just be willing to talk to me about it and being open to any answers I may give for the questions.  I know that some of you already have a negative opinion of me and my non-homogenous view of faith but I hope that you will keep an open mind about me.  Please don't hate me because you don't understand me.  Please don't try and convert me either.  I am always open for conversation but I don't want to be preached to.  Just talk to me honestly.