Six

I didn't do a birthday post of my oldest, Jude because I have issues with internet privacy and the like.  Well, I'd like to share a little bit of my favorite 6 year old.

First Day of School-- Can you tell how happy he is?

Mr. Brennan loves school.  He is an all-star reader.

He is into Pokemon but he really just enjoys getting and trading cards with his friends.

He loves being a big brother and he's really encouraging to Lennon when he is having trouble with something.

He checked out an encyclopedia of the U.S. Presidents from the library this summer and he's been obsessed ever since.  He likes to give quizzes with tidbits from each presidential term.

He's already lost two teeth.

When he got his flu shot this week, the nurse asked him if he wanted it in his leg or his arm.  He chose arm and stayed completely relaxed for her to give it to him.  You could see the tense anticipation on his face as she was counting down until the stick but he was totally chill when she actually stuck him.  Such a cool dude.

He loves riding the bus to school and he would be severely disappointed if he had to be a car rider again.  With naps, it certainly helps me out with the younger kids for him to ride the bus but I miss picking him up.  

He is still very much a mama's boy.  When I first found out we were having a boy, I was so sad because I knew he would grow up and not want anything to do with me by the time he was 4 but that has not been the case and I couldn't be happier. 

He also loves to "rough-house" with Daddy and Lennon.  They all have a lot of fun together.

His favorite color is red.

On his birthday, when he opened his gifts, he exclaimed that this was the best birthday ever.  He does this every year.  He is such a grateful child.

He has a great sense of humor and always keeps us laughing.

He likes to pick at things (just like Mommy).  Post-flood, our baseboards are still waiting to be stripped and painted.  He's been picking the paint off of them driving me mad.  

He fits in our goofy, crazy family so well and I feel lucky he his such a great role model for his siblings.  

We love you, Jude!

Three

Proudly pointing to his 3 yr. handprint.  It turned out much better than his 2 year!

Mr. Beckett is 3 today!  It's odd because it kind of seemed like he was two FOREVER but now it seems impossible for him to already be three.

A little about this 3 year old:

He hates eggs.

He hates seeds in his peaches.

He will constantly remind you of both of these facts despite the fact you no longer offer him eggs when you make them for his older brother and you always throw away the pit before you offer him his bowl of sliced peaches.

He likes tuna and crackers.  But he loves eating it with Mommy.

His favorite color is green.

He sleeps on the top bunk and has ever since he got sick of Jude being a bed hog and excessive cuddler when they shared the lower bunk.

He loves being a big brother.  He's not overly fond of being a little brother.  He makes up for it by doing everything big brother does.

He still wakes up early and comes in to cuddle with Mommy at 5am.

He picks out his own clothes every day.

When allowed, he wears his rain boots every chance he gets and he asks every, single morning.

He loves to "rough-house" with Daddy and Jude.

He likes playing games on my phone but quickly tires of that and starts taking pictures with the camera. He's captured some surprisingly good shots.

 Here's one he took (unbeknownst to us) of Chad and I kissing just a few days before our anniversary.

He is still working on potty training and has good days and bad days.

He never gives a hug without a kiss.

He is a great kid and he is loved by his whole family!  Happy Birthday, Lennon!

Yes, his shirt is a little big.  It's an old one of Jude's and is a 4T.  It made the birthday boy very happy, though!

She moved out

We moved Emeline out of our room tonight.  Honestly, I'm not ready.  I'm kind of clingy with my little girl and I like her in the room with me.  Both of the boys began having trouble sleeping in our room and with each of them it seemed that for the sake of all involved, it was time.   They were ready to move out so our tossing and turning wouldn't keep them awake.  Emeline is a pretty sound sleeper and she's been a great one since very early on.  At 10 weeks she was sleeping straight through from 8:30p to 5:45a with no prompting from us, she just did.  They boys didn't give up their extra feedings in the night until they were 6 months +.

Even though she is a great sleeper and we were all still happy with her being in our room she had to move out.  Her problem isn't the ordinary sounds of her sleeping parents, like it was with her brothers, her problem is with her Daddy's job.  He has to get up at 2:30a to get to work by 3:30a.  Him getting ready in the morning has started rousing her from her slumber.  He has been doing this dumb route for the last 3 weeks or so and I was fine just putting up with her because he was supposed to return to his regular job and normal hours.  However, today he found out that he will be doing this job indefinitely.  No bueno.  So she had to move out because, with no end in sight, we all need more sleep than we were able to get when he gets up in the mornings.  Also, this will make it easier for him to go to bed before us because he won't have to wait on me to get her down to go in our room.  Thankfully she's an easy-going baby and bedtime was no big deal tonight even though her room is on the west side of our house and was still brighter than our room, since the curtains aren't as thick.  She was a champ and ate and went right to sleep after I laid her down.  She even managed to sleep the through the boys showers and bedtime routine even though her room backs up to the bathroom.  So tonight was a win and a loss.  I think she's the winner and I'm the loser.

I wonder if she'd notice if I crashed on her floor.  I'm SO tempted.  I'm off to sneak a peek and then to bed myself.  :(

Ideologically frustrated

So.  I am frustrated.  Chad and I have distinctly different ideologies (in all of the major issues: religion, politics, and social issues) from our friends and families.  I like to think of myself as a pretty tolerant person.  Now don't get me wrong, when I was on facebook, I completely got sucked in to the soapbox status updates.  I hate that about myself and that is one of many reasons I'm not planning on returning.  It's unhealthy for me and for my friendships.  But back to my mostly tolerant ways. . . not having any like-minded folks to vent and discuss these things with is so, so crushing. Of course, we know some people that have similar views and we do talk to them but nothing like having close friends to share these things with.  And not having anyone open-minded to discuss these things with turns my tolerance  sour.  I begin to resent those folks that refuse to be civil or even the least bit open-minded to consider that our views might possibly be right or at least as right as the ones they adhere to.  I know that a lot of my predicament mostly is a matter of geography and that I would likely feel less isolated if I were anywhere but here.  But for now, here is where I am and I grow more frustrated by the day.  It makes me resentful of those around me.  How can they be so close-minded? Why do they refuse to try and see alternate world-views?  I understand the ideals they hold dear so why can't they understand mine?  Why must they be so intolerant that I can't even be honest with them about what I really think.  [Sidenote: I was much more free with my thoughts on facebook, again, the dangerously abrasive me that took over.] They barely even know the superficial bits and already shun us.  I just hate it so much.  So ready to get out of this place and find at least a few semi-likeminded friends.

One of those nights I don't feel like a failure!

Chad has class on Wednesdays so I was flying solo.  Fail one, McDonalds.  Fail two, we watched a lot of Phineas and Ferb (with a little Wonder Years for Mommy).  Outside of those two faux pas the night was so uneventful that it's noteworthy.

I bathed the boys, something that is way more work when you have a needy 13 week old baby to simultaneously keep happy.  I got them dressed and got the bath ready for Em.  I bathed her and fed her.

She's always eats after a bath, so she had to be last.  She's taken to cluster feeding in the PM which I'm mostly okay with since she sleeps a long time at night.  However, it makes doing anything with the boys more difficult when I'm solo.  Enter TV time.  She ate and ate but then went to sleep. She sleeps in a pack n play in our room.  We were gifted an amazing one (since I had given away the one I used with the boys) and it had a "newborn napper".  She slept awesome in it from the day we brought her home.  Sadly, she outgrew it and we removed it last week.  Since that time she is hit and miss about sleeping in the regular flat bassinet part of the pack n play (what the boys slept in when we first brought them home).  So, there have been nights she has either had to start the night in the swing or at least ended in it since it has a similar shape but better fit than the napper.  However tonight was a hit!  She went down in the bassinet and I didn't even have to go in and replace a paci once!

The boys finished the show that was on, I read them a book, and they went to bed.  They have gotten out a time or two but for the most part I think they are now down for the night.

And that, my friends, is a successful night.  Though I'm nowhere near super mom rank, I think I may be okay.

Some pictures of my sweets

I've become a bit neurotic (I know, I know, you've known I'm neurotic for some time now but I'm just coming to terms with it) about posting pictures and other information on the internet which is one of the many reasons I'm not on Facebook anymore and have no plans on going back.  Even though this blog isn't searchable on Google, I still don't want my sweets getting out there for the use of others.

But here, for your viewing pleasure are some pictures of my lovelies.

Outside playing after dark. 

One day old.  One funky looking mama.

The boys couldn't get enough of their little sis!

Grumpy and Em

Ready to head home. 2 days old.

Just got home. J is in love!

In her coming home outfit.

This was going to be her announcement picture but Mommy let herself get talked out of it.

To date, the only time she's slept in her crib, she has a pack n' play in our room.

A boy and his cars.

Some little fingers smudged the lens.

All stretched out!

Excavating a triceratops.

L is really bummed he didn't get to hold her first.  Poor guy.

A promised late night camp out in the living room to celebrate the end of school. 

Big smiles after eating.  (That big bump is my nursing pillow.)

The Fog of War

Chad and I are notorious for not waiting for "the day" of special events to exchange gifts.  He purchased our anniversary and my birthday gifts ahead of time and he's already given me two of the three gifts he purchased.  The first gift he gave me was awesome.  It was Jimmy Fallon's Blow Your Pants Off, a cd of music from Late Night.  He hilariously covers several songs in the voice of other singers.  A favorite is the Reading Rainbow theme song as it would have sounded sung by The Doors.  It also has his duet with Stephen Colbert singing the infamous Rebecca Black song, Friday.  As awesome as that gift is, it nowhere near compares with the second gift he gave me today.



Here is the IMDb page, too The Fog of War

If you never see another documentary in your life, you MUST see this one.  Robert McNamara was the Secretary of Defense under President Kennedy and one of the country's most prominent "Hawks".    In this documentary, he is at the end of his life reflecting back on the triumphs and more importantly the failures of his life and career.  I have never heard a more contrite and honest assessment from anyone about their failures, lest of all from a prominent political figure.  If we were all this honest and raw with ourselves and each other, our country would be less bound by our arrogance that we are always right and have always been right in our past and are not prone to making mistakes in the future.  Being human, this is an important realization we all must have so that we can hopefully save future generations from making the same mistakes.  This movie is a step in the direction of clarity and truth.  Seriously, watch this movie.  It's available on youtube.com in pieces.  Even if you aren't into politics, the lessons he enumerates apply to everyone but the history and inside look at the decisions that faced the Kennedy administration during Vietnam are fascinating.

So yeah, Chad got me the best movie ever; and you should be warned that if you come over to our house and are here for long enough, this movie may come up and we may watch it.  Just kidding... maybe not but don't rule it out.

Giving into the pressure

With all the crazy stuff going on and trying to get the house back together after the flooding, there just hasn't been enough energy or care in me to worry about my appearance.  Yesterday, I actually left the house with gross hair wearing a shirt with drool/milk curds on it from Emma.  Thankfully breast milk spit up is usually not a massive event and can generally be cleaned up with some help from a baby wipe.  I'm at the point in motherhood that only the really wet massive ones warrant a change of shirt.  Now that I type it out it makes me sound really gross but when you don't have access to your own laundry room and you can't afford to change clothes multiple times a day, then you will understand.  Hopefully it's just not a third kid thing and that I don't actually smell (though I can't smell it).  I'm thinking a makeover may be due soon.  :)

Flood!

Last Sunday night our house flooded.  From rain.  It was about 11 pm on the 3rd and we heard some ominous sounding storms so Chad got up and checked out the weather.  It was a tiny cell right over our town that we expected to move on shortly thereafter and leave us alone.  Around 11:30 the power went off so we set the alarms on our phones so he could get up for work if the power wasn't back on by morning.  At 1:30 am there is a horrible knocking at our door and we both spring out of bed.  The neighbor is yelling and we both immediately think someone is dying (our next door neighbor lost his wife just a month ago so this is fresh on our minds).  Then we hear what he is frantically yelling, "You gotta get out, you gotta get out! Everything is flooding!" He goes on more about how you can't drive down the street because of all the water but that we have to get out.  It's at this point Chad and I realize our feet are wet and that there is water coming into our house from our back door.  We frantically get dressed (still in the dark since there is no power) and try and figure out what to do.  The figuring out what to do part really consisted of us frantically running around freaking out.  I tried calling my dad but kept mis-dialing and selecting Chad's contact stuff rather than Dad's and I was so frantic I couldn't figure out how to even stop the call to get it right.  Because of what the neighbor said, we were both in such a panic that we didn't even think about his advice.  I was on the phone with my Dad explaining the situation and about to grab Emeline's seat so we could get her in it (while also pulling things up off the floor that I didn't want ruined) when it hit me, without any prompting from my Dad even, that this wasn't a life-threatening situation.  We don't live near a creek or river and our house wasn't going to float away.  This wasn't New Orleans and we weren't going to end up on our roof with no place to go and no help in sight.  This was simply a drainage issue and there had just been too much rain in too short a time span and at worst we would end up water in the house but we weren't going to die.  At this point we start to calm down some more and see if we can't find some flashlights and candles as we continue to pick things up off the floor.  After we get things settled, we head out to front porch, which has remained dry, to survey the damage and talk across the cul-de-sac to the neighbors.  Around this time, the rain is letting up some and within the next hour we notice the waters are receding.  It continued to lightly rain the rest of the morning but the flooding had receded and there was just normal drainage everywhere.  The power came back on around 3:30 or so, too.  While talking to the neighbors we found out why the neighbor across the street had been so freaked out.  He had about a foot and a half of water in his house just streaming in his front door.  He had so much water in front of his house that one of his cars that was parked in the driveway was pushed sideways by the water.  The amount of damage to his house and one other house on the cul-de-sac is so much worse than the inch or so of water we experienced.  Our house had damage but nothing compared to those other two houses.  We had to have a restoration crew come rip up all the carpet and dry the walls but their damage was so extensive that they have to cut the walls out from about midway up down to the floor in addition to the drying and carpet.  We just moved back in yesterday so we were out of our house about 8 days.  It may be months for these guys to get back into their houses.  There were two others that had flood damage on our street and several others in our neighborhood.  There was at least one other neighborhood in town that had flooding, too.  We have our new carpet but we are waiting on the baseboards so our furniture is still not back where it goes.  Our kitchen counters are COVERED in books and there is a lot of furniture in the dining room.  Our house had been turned upside down since we converted the playroom into a nursery and had were playing musical chairs with some bookcases.  During the day on the Sunday of the flood, we had just gotten Chad's newly recovered (giant) bookcase in the house and all the books jockeyed around.  We got the other bookcase in the boys room and got all of their books up off the floor (they had been on the floor of our dining room since March!) and the house was looking great.  I'm so thankful that none of those books were ruined since a good deal of them are books that were mine as a kid.  Also serendipitously, at the same time we moved all of the bookcases around, we also moved the stereo cabinet and brought back in the giant speakers that had been on the floor in the garage.  Water did come up about half way the garage floor and it was even less than an inch deep but it would have been plenty to destroy those speakers.  I'm so glad to be back in our house and I can't wait for it feel like home again after we get things back where they go!

Tomorrow Emeline will be 2 months old!  I can hardly believe it.  The whole last week seems like a blur and though she's been with me every day, I haven't gotten the time to sit and play with her as I should.  She is now at the point where she likes to lay on the floor and kick and squeal and grin.  She has her own theme song and smiles whenever we sing it.  It's a variation of a song from Phineas and Ferb and unless you are familiar with the show then it would probably be lost on you.

I wonder when normal will come again.  When it does, I'll let you know.  My new summer project is to petition the Board of Trustees of the town we live in to get on the agenda for the upcoming meeting with hopes of having them re-evaluate the drainage situation of our neighborhood.  Yes, that means I have to speak before the board, too!  My poly sci bones are tingly getting all involved in local government (though that isn't really my chosen area of interest).  I'll keep you updated on what transpires.

We met another Emeline yesterday!

So if you know me very well at all, you know that I fret about the names we give our children. A lot. Even after they are named.  In Lennon's case, for years.  I still worry if we should just call him by his middle name, Beckett.  My misgivings about Emeline's name were related to the pronunciation/spelling of her name.  Her name has personal significance to us as a memorial for my mom and grandfather and her middle name is a memorial to Chad's grandmother.  We pronounce her name Emma-lynn with a short "i" in the last part.  Variations we have heard are Emma-lean (long "E" sound) and Emma-line (long "I" sound).  Not one person had ever assumed it was pronounced the way we pronounce it and always have to be corrected.  Of course, I knew this was likely when we named her and I was mostly comfortable with but it was still an issue for me.

Yesterday we went to a great bakery in Tulsa and the owner's name was Emeline, pronounced and spelled exactly the same way as our Emeline.  She told us that it is a common name in France and that most of the Emelines on FB are French photographers, haha.  Either way, I'm feeling so much better knowing that our spelling/pronunciation aren't far fetched and that it is a legitimate combination of spelling and pronunciation and that while we have a given her an uncommon name, it's not unheard of.  That is the kind of uncommon name I'm happy with.  :)  

She's here!

Emeline is here.  She arrived at 7:56 pm on April 14th.  She weighed 7 lbs. 3 oz. and is 20 inches long.  She is perfect.  Someday I'll get around to posting her birth story but it may be awhile.  I didn't get my VBAC but I'm very happy with my birth experience.  It looks like there were very good reasons why it ended up turning out how it did.

More proof that my old Dr. was lame

I just got an interesting call from the pre-arrival people at the hospital I plan to deliver at.  They were giving me instructions about the pre-admitting procedures and things for my scheduled c/s on Monday. Of course, the c/s was supposed to be cancelled and I took the proper measures to do so when I changed practices.  It obviously didn't get taken care of.  Lame.

In better news, I've been having contractions all morning.  Now they have lessened in intensity and are growing further apart but they have been pretty good all morning.  When Chad gets home we'll get to walking and hope they pick back up.  For now, though, nap time.  I think I'm going to take this time to enjoy the rest b/c waking up contracting at 4 am was pretty hard to sleep through!

Happy Friday the 13th, everyone!

Staying busy and taking it easy

Waiting on a new baby is kind of like waiting on a looming natural disaster in the forecast.  You have a good idea of what you should have ready but inevitably something either can't be done until closer to time or it gets overlooked.

Today, I've already had a few contractions but nothing regular or to write home about.  The last one, if it was an actual contraction, was much longer than I've had to this point and it got me motivated.  On my agenda for today was a load of whites and to clean both bathrooms as well as a short trip to W-M that I already accomplished this morning after dropping Jude at school.  After that contraction or stomach cramp or whatever it was, I got those other chores taken care of.  I'm terrified of labor getting started and having to head to the hospital and leaving the house in a less than clean way.  I mean, my house isn't going to be spotless.  I've given up on that for the time being.  We still have too many of our many small projects strung out everywhere for that to even be a reality but I don't want whoever is here with the kids to have to see with nasty toilets and piles of laundry.  So those are the things I'm focusing on.  Tomorrow, I'll dust and vacuum.  These little chores each day are about all I can handle each day, as pitiful as that sounds.  

Jude was out of school Friday and we had plans to meet up with my family Friday evening to celebrate Easter and Chad's birthday.  Well, Jude got progressively lethargic and whiny as the afternoon went on and complained of a headache.  We realized that our plans were dashed when all of his symptoms culminated in getting sick in the trash when we were about to leave (as I think I mentioned in my previous post on his illness, I thought the headache was sinus related and after medicating him for it we planned to continue with our plans).  He didn't get sick anymore until right around bedtime but then proceeded to get sick about 5 or 6 times over the course of the overnight period.  Let's just say there was a  lot of laundry (two sets of sheets, multiple pillows, etc) to be washed on Saturday.  It was some kind of holiday weekend.  Thankfully he didn't get sick anymore on Saturday, after that awful night previous.  He just had a fever on Saturday and Sunday.  No one else in the house has gotten the bug and I hope it stays that way.  

In addition to all the sheets, blankets and things that got washed I got my tail in gear and washed up all of our other laundry, too.  It's rare that all of that stuff is clean at the same time and I'm pretty proud of myself for getting it all done.  Now, hopefully, she'll come while everything is still clean!  ;)

Though there have been oodles of laundry that I've managed to get finished, I've still been taking it easy.  My body is tired of being pregnant and there has been a lot of resting with my feet up, too.  I feel like I've been complaining too much about it.  I don't like complaining about it because I know how lucky I am to be pregnant and to be able to carry a child with minimal complications.  We really are fortunate and for that I am thankful.  Because of this poor Chad has been hearing the bulk of my complaints.  Let's just say that we are both quite anxious to be finished with the pregnancy and to get to hold the end result in these months of waiting.  

All that said, I do hope she's not born tonight or tomorrow.  I just don't think I can bear to be in the same hospital on the one year anniversary of my Mom's death.  Her aneurysm happened on the 10th of last year and she was officially brain dead at that time but her body kept functioning until the 11th (she absolutely didn't want any intervention to keep her body alive so we didn't allow them to do any).  I already have mixed feelings about delivering in the same hospital but I do know that it is the best place to accomplish my birth goals and also to simply have a baby since there is a level III NICU on-site in case the baby would need any help.  It is the same hospital where I had both boys, too.  I just am having a hard time separating what I see as an excellent part of the hospital from the part that I feel failed my mom and caused so much pain for our family.  I will say that none of those feelings of being failed while in hospital with my mom extend to the ICU where we spent our last hours with her (body).  They were exceptional in there and I have absolutely nothing negative to say about them as they did everything they could to make us comfortable while we waited for the inevitable.  Suffice it to say, as anxious as I am to meet this little girl, I just really don't want to do it today or tomorrow.  I think.  So many mixed feelings.  One minute I think I understand what I feel and the next I am completely feeling differently.  Grief is so confusing.    

Headaches freak me out

I've always been one to have headaches.  Migraines, too.  Never a big deal for me, just a part of life.  A very annoying part of life but just something I live with.  Being pregnant, I've gotten somewhat of a reprieve and they haven't been at the top of my list of annoyances for awhile now.

In the past few weeks, I've noticed Jude talking about his head hurting occasionally.  This afternoon he started complaining of a headache, again.  Chad and I have both had some trouble with sinus pressure and related headaches.  His headache this afternoon sounded pretty typically related to that kind, as well.  He described it like, "It hurts when I jump up but when I stop it all goes down".  So I gave him some allergy medicine and hoped that was it.  We had plans to meet with my Uncle and Aunt for Easter tonight so I was getting things around so we could go and planned to give the boys their bath before we went since it would be near or past their bedtime when we got home.  Jude has become even more lethargic and has just sat in the same seat since I gave him the allergy medicine and he's still complaining about his head.  I finally motivate him to come to the bathroom so I can give them a bath and he really just melts into a pile of tears on the floor.  I decide to give him some ibuprofen still chalking it up to a sinus headache.  He cries all through the bath and my mind starts to wonder what is going on with this kid.  He has no fever.  In the tub, he does complain that his throat hurts, too.  Before he mentions his throat, while my mind is wondering, I start to fear horrible things.  What if he is really in much more pain than I can tell?  I mean he's started crying from the pain.  How bad is this really?  Headache pain isn't one of those things that is easily described, especially not for a 5 year old.  What if we have thin vessels in our brains (this is actually something I plan to have an MRI for after this baby is born to see if I, and subsequently our children, have a genetic predisposition to thin vessels since both my Grandmother and Mom-- and I found out recently Paternal Grandfather-- died of aneurysms) and he is experiencing the extreme pain my Mom was due to a leak?  I know this probably sounds absurd, but here is my five year old in tears over a headache and we are nearing the one year anniversary of the death of my mom from a headache.  I got him dressed and told him he could lay down on our bed while I finished getting Lennon ready and fixed my own hair.  At that point, I was still hoping this was just a sinus thing and that if he just rested for a few minutes and gave the medicine time to kick in he would be feeling better soon and that we could continue with our plans, since it was sinuses and nothing contagious and he would be feeling better.  Well I was wrong, he got his shoes on and while in the kitchen he headed to the trashcan and threw up.  So, of course, upon realizing this wasn't sinus related, I changed his clothes and put him to bed.  Oddly, him being upset at his stomach put my mind at ease because he said his stomach actually hurt, too, which relieved my fears that I knew were irrational, that it could be something much worse.

After about 30 minutes of laying down he was up and much better and was for the rest of the evening until right at bedtime when it started with a headache again and then he got sick right before bed.  He still doesn't have a fever so I don't know what he's got but I hope that he's feeling better by tomorrow!

And through all of this, I learned that I'm a neurotic mess.    

38 weeks!

I'm 38 weeks today.  Tomorrow will mark the longest I've ever been pregnant.  Jude came a day before 37 weeks and Lennon was born via Repeat C-section at 38w1d.  I have to wonder if this isn't one of the reasons I've been so anxious for this kiddo to get the show on the road.  She's really fighting it though.  I swear that last night she moved UP and is now laying sideways (head on one side, butt on the other) rather than head down.  I don't know if it's even possible for her to have enough room to be laying that direction, but that's what it feels like.  I certainly hope that's not the case since I'm trying to avoid another c/s.  Regardless of how she's in there, it seems pretty certain that she won't come today as was Jude's guess.  Now we just sit and wait.  ;)

Happy Birthday, Mom

Today my mom would have turned 51.  It's hard to believe that in just a few days it will have been one year since she died.  As usual, I preoccupy myself with other thoughts to keep from thinking about it too much.  Preparing for Emeline's arrival is my primary distraction.  There is just so much unhappiness stuffed into this month that I feel badly for Emma having to weave her way in here between all of these heavy days.    April is home to two birthdays of my deceased relatives as well as the anniversary of their deaths.  My Grandfather, coincidentally the one Emeline's name takes it's basic root from, died on April Fools Day, 2000 just days before what would have been his 85th birthday on the 6th.  Mom's birthday was the 4th and she passed away on the 11th.  Her memorial was on the 17th.  Of all of the sad days, if this kiddo had to be born on any of these days, I would obviously prefer the birthdays over the sad ones.  Of course,there are good days in April, too.  Chad's birthday is tomorrow.  His brother and our sister-in-law have birthdays this month, too.  But I'm hung up on the sad ones, of course.

 The memory I keep coming back to is the celebration we had last year for my Mom's and Chad's birthday with my Uncle and Aunt last year.  We  went to Outback Steakhouse, as it is hard to pick something that everyone is sure to like.  Mom had had a bad headache for a couple of weeks by this time but she was feeling pretty good that evening.  We had a great evening.  Of course we had no idea that in just a matter of days she would be gone.  I'm really sketchy on the dates already, but I'm pretty sure it was the following day that her headache got worse and she decided to go back to the doctor about it which led to hospital admission.

I guess that's all I have to say.  I miss my mom like crazy and still don't know how to cope with it all.

Happy Birthday, Mom.  I miss you.

Out of my comfort zone

So when I was a kid, even into adulthood, my mom made a very big deal about never feeling comfortable going into people's homes (with permission) when they weren't there or even grabbing anything out of their purse (even when they asked her to), etc.  Apparently this was ingrained in her by my grandmother.  My mom and I had a very open relationship and she didn't even like going in my house without us being there.  Her discomfort passed on to me.

My next-door neighbor's wife is dying of cancer.  She has already outlived the small expectations of a couple of months that she was given in January but the pain has increased greatly and gets worse daily. We don't have much means to help them but one thing I can do is mow their lawn.  We have a riding lawn mower and I offered to mow his lawn when I mow ours.  It's funny to me that even though he knows and appreciates that I will mow his lawn, I still feel uncomfortable in the yard.  I, of course, was raised to respect other's property and would avoid walking in someone's yard at a all costs.  At the risk of sounding old and cranky, kids these days just don't have the same respect.  Kids traipse all over the yards around here not even caring that it's someone's property.  Once, a group of kids hopped our back fence (twice in the same day) to fetch something that had landed in our yard.  That wouldn't be that big of deal had we not been home and would have gladly gotten it for them had they knocked on the door and asked.  I digress.  Tonight I mowed both of our lawns.  I was uncomfortable the WHOLE time.  I don't really have a point here but it just baffles me how the mentality of a yard being private property and is an intimate part of someone's home.

I don't really have a point here, other than this kind of mentality really colors every part of my psyche.  I can see where it affects so many parts of my life.  I would like to explore this at another time.  The implications of the lack of this perception from the younger generations are interesting to explore as well.    Hmmm.

37 weeks!

Tomorrow I will officially be 37 weeks, the general accepted number of weeks for a baby to be full term.  Of course, this is only true if the baby comes at their own time and isn't arbitrarily forced out just because they met this milestone because even at this point their lungs still might not be ready, etc.  Either way, it's still the time when most mommies breathe a sigh of relief to make it to this point.  That's just what I'm doing, too.  Breathing a sigh of relief.  However, at this stage in pregnancy it's a little hard to breathe.  Interestingly, after having a wonderful yet tiring weekend, I thought that Emeline's time was approaching.  I have been having all kinds of pressure and cramping and I really expected to have made a little progress toward labor, even if it still was a few weeks away.  Alas, she seems quite comfy where she is and my body seems quite content to keep her there.  I'm left with only vestiges of energy.  Life seems to be getting chaotic because I'm not keeping up on things as I should.

In more positive news, the girls of the family threw us a baby shower on Sunday and we came home with so much stuff.  I'm happy to report that we are now very prepared for this little girl's arrival and that I'm beyond indebted to our families for their extreme generosity.  Of course, I have my work cut out for me to get everything washed and put away before Emeline gets here.  I have washed all the newborn clothes and swaddling blankets, so I've made a good start but there is still so much left to do.  I really am ready to get to it but I have a mound of clean laundry of our own that I must (if I want to be responsible) tackle first.

It is so hard to believe that this little girl could make her appearance any time now.  Tonight marks the milestone at which my water broke with Jude.  Lennon stayed put until he was evicted at 38 weeks and I have no clue as to how long he would have liked to have cooked.  From here on out it's all guessing as to when she makes her appearance.  I keep reading into signs I feel like my body is giving me.  I'll be extra crampy and start to get my hopes up that maybe it is very early labor.  In fact, I feel like I'm having a contraction right now.  Labor?  Probably not, just my body getting some good practice in.  The waiting and guessing is exciting and fun but I think my wild brain takes it to a whole new neurotic level and Chad is just as bad.  Right now, I just want to focus on enjoying these last few weeks and not trying to wish them away too badly, no matter how much I just want my daughter here already!  To me, the womb is an uncertain place, too, and the thought of getting to hold her and know she is safe would give me comfort and I think that is something else I long for.  The reassurance that she will be safe until she's born and that she won't leave us.  My anxiety toward losing her is compounded by the timing of her due date.  My mom's birthday and the day she passed are quickly approaching and I've been doing all I can to avoid thinking about it, as is my usual.  Focusing on the baby has been a great distraction but at the same time, because of it, fear grips me.  There are just so many complications that could take this child from us and I just don't think I could bear another loss in such a short span of time.

All I can do and really have been doing is taking it all one day at a time, I suppose, as cliche as that sounds.  I'm going to try to not be so neurotic and over analyze ever little kick, cramp, or contraction and I'll also try to worry so much.  Wish me luck!

Nursery pictures!

First of all, I would like to say an extra big THANK YOU, to Eric and Megan for coming over this weekend to help us out with this major project!  We couldn't have done it without them!!


Before:

During:

Pencil drawings of the trees beside paint samples.  The two on the right are the ones I chose and the pink on the left is a sample Chad picked up when he went to Lowes without the paint sample cards.  We knew before we put it on the wall that it wasn't in the running but wanted to see what it looked liked.

Working on the detail of the trees.  They changed strategies a couple of times  but settled on  a great one that made the work go much faster.  

Megan got in there and helped by working on the green while the boys worked on the trees.  If she hadn't jumped in, they might not have gotten it all done before they left on Sunday evening.  

Eric working on the trees.

After:

Big brother Lennon chilling in Em's room

The wall with the window and the wall with the closet are only green.  

Looking into the room from the doorway.

Looking toward the door.  I love this tree for the detail over the door and the little carved heart!

The carving detail.  So sweet.  Chad did that for me!  

I love this room.  I keep going in there trying to figure out how to arrange the furniture but I don't want to put anything in there.  I just want to enjoy it as it is and don't want anything to detract from how it looks.  My photography skills aren't that great and the pictures really don't even do it justice.  I have been a little pensive about the color of pink we settled on, I was thinking a tad lighter (it looks a bit darker IRL than shows up in the photos), but it's sunk in to my brain now and I really love it.  I love the green even more.  I would paint my bedroom in that color I love it so much.  

We still have some furniture that needs to move back into the nursery and then it will be mostly ready.  I am painting her name letters and some small shelf boxes in the same color of pink to hang on the two walls that don't have any trees to tie it all together.  We still have to get some curtains and a dust ruffle for the crib and then her room will be complete!  

My due date is one month from today!!  I can hardly believe it.  I have a feeling she will come before the 20th, though.  It's actually probably wishful thinking though.  I just don't want the doctor to feel like we need to induce to increase my chances of VBA2C.  I want her to come when she's ready.  I started having some swelling in my feet over the weekend.  It isn't terrible but noticeable.  I hadn't had any trouble with swelling this time around like I had with the boys.  With Lennon, I couldn't really go two hours away in my 3rd trimester or my feet would be huge by the time we got there.  Something about this makes me wonder if she won't be coming sooner too, though the logic is kind of skewed.

I'm so pleased to have things finally coming together and prepared for her.  Now we are ready to just wait on her to join us!