Bah Humbug

We got our tree up and all of the gifts are bought and have arrived (I shopped almost exclusively on the internet this year).  Still nothing has been wrapped and it's Christmas eve.  Chad is sickish.  I add the -ish because he has yet to run a fever but has had drainage and a cough nearly all week.  The drainage has given him a sore throat and he sounds really ill.  In fact, he's sleeping now.  I don't even know if he should come with us to Crescent tomorrow since we don't know what he has and I certainly don't want anyone else to come down with it either.  I have a good sized list of things I need to be doing today.  I need to actually wrap the presents, make some toffee bars that will be going with us to Crescent (if Meap and I don't eat them all-- oh I guess I can make two batches!), sort through toys in the playroom and get it picked up so we can add more to the chaos, tons of laundry to wash and put away, and try my hand at Raisin Cream Pie again.

The Raisin Cream Pie is for my Great Uncle Dean.  He turned 91 on the 17th.  He is in an assisted living/nursing home in Guthrie and we went to visit him for their Christmas party on the 22nd since we couldn't make it on the 17th.  My mom would always make him a Raisin Cream Pie for his birthday and I worked on one the 22nd before we left but it turned out terrible.  Since we will be in Crescent tomorrow I thought we might head over there with my redo.  I have been intimidated to go alone over there because the last time we went (when my mom passed away) he seemed more confused and harder to communicate with.  I feel safer going when my Uncle goes because he knows him better and of all the people Uncle Dean would remember, it is certainly my Uncle Steve.  When we were there on Thursday, though, Uncle Dean looked the best I've seen him in the last several times I've been.  I used to go up there with my mom on occasion and even then he was having trouble.  He just looked really good Thursday and though he, of course, has trouble getting around he seemed just as healthy and with it as he was when he'd come to family get-togethers at the farm, 10 years ago.  Uncle Dean is my Grandpa Emil's (Mom's dad) only living sibling and one of the few living relatives on the Mackey side of the family that I have more than an acquaintance relationship with.  I was very close to my grandpa and he reminds me of him so much and I'm so thankful that he is still around.

Well, as I'm sure everyone that has ever read here has noticed, I chase a lot of rabbits.  Most of my writing style is incredibly disorganized and I never stay on topic.  Eh, sorry.

So back to the reason behind this post.  I have a lot to do and no desire to do it.  The only thing I'm looking forward to tomorrow is going to Crescent.  I don't know if I have cabin fever or what but my house is stressing me out right now.  I'm ready for Christmas to be over so that the house can return to normalcy.  That is going to take a fair amount of work considering I know what we got the kids for Christmas and know where it will have to go.  I also know that since I'm already past my half-way point to April we need to get the playroom cleaned out and transitioned into a nursery again.  I feel conflicted about the amount of things the kids got for Christmas, too.  I want them to have certain things and that's why I bought them but I hate that Christmas is so materialistic.  It has really not settled well with me since I realized the other day what the whole Santa/coal thing is really about.  It has nothing to do with being naughty or nice but everything to do with being rich or poor.  Rich=nice and poor=naughty since coal was used for home heating  back in the day and the poor kids would only get such a strict necessity.  We don't do Santa for our kids and now I'm thankful but I see that we also contribute to the same mentality by trying to get them so much for Christmas when we can.  Granted, a lot of what we got Jude was coal (clothes, shoes, socks, etc.) but we splurged for a few other things too.  I mean now that I'm thinking back on everything we got, most of the things we got were little things, just things that I knew they would really like.  I still feel like that it's too much, though.  Being a parent is hard and navigating Christmas sucks.  I'm ready for it to be over.  

Cleaning. . .

Today I'm cleaning.  That may not seem like a big deal to some since they do it weekly but this last semester I haven't really been doing my fair share.  Of course the kid's bathroom and the common area was clean (not dusted regularly!) but there has been way too much that has been put on the back burner.  The worst area of all was the master bath.  Other than the toilet, I don't think that bathroom got cleaned once since probably August.  Icky.  I'm working on catching up on the actual cleaning right now and then over the break from school, Chad and I are going to work on the clutter that has also taken residence in our home.  I'm ready for our house to feel comfortable and not so icky again.

Yesterday was my last day of class and I have decided I won't be going back in the spring, though I may have been successful in taking short term classes.  I just have neglected too much in this last year and I don't want to have any excuse not to enjoy this pregnancy, my kids, and my husband.  When I do return to school (yet to be determined), I will only go part-time.

Because of the crazy semester that both Chad and I have had, we haven't even put up our christmas tree yet and that is another reason why I'm working to get this house in shape.  Tonight we are going to let the kids stay up and we are going to get some yuletide spirit flowing in this house.  I haven't had even a shred of christmas spirit, though in the last few days I started listening to the radio station that is just playing christmas music.  The first time I heard christmas music this year I was at Wal-Mart (in November, sigh) and I'll be Home for Christmas came on and I started crying right there in the store.  I mean being pregnant and losing Mom in April, it's really no surprise.  I know that has been the root of why I'm not really into christmas this year.  It has been very, very hard with lots of tears shed.  I am looking forward to christmas with family, though.  We managed to get the kids some pretty awesome stuff that I know they will like (I'm very lucky, my kids like receiving shoes and even socks for christmas) and I can't wait to see their faces on christmas morning.  If you promise not to tell them I'll share their biggest gifts.  Lennon got at train/lego table and Jude got a new, bigger bike.  Of course, both will benefit both boys but I know they will like them.  I got both things very discounted with some savvy online shopping on Black Friday (I found some even better sales than they had on Cyber Monday).  I also got a good deal on a highchair for Meap.

Well as usual, I have strayed from the original purpose of this post and I've got to get back to cleaning.  Be on the lookout for some pictures of the decorated house, christmas photos, and a special post about Meap. The last one will have to wait until after christmas but we have something special to share.  Hopefully it will beginning to look at lot like christmas around here soon. . .

Comments

Hey guys,  I've heard from a couple of you that you tried to post a comment to the blog but had difficulty.  For some reason they aren't posting.  I looked in my comments section and even the spam but nothing is there waiting to be approved or anything.  On previous entries I've had comments go through but this time around, since I changed my template, things are kind of wonky.  :(  If anyone has any suggestions on how I can maybe track down those comments or make it where you comment on future posts, email me at leteworsham@yahoo.com or I guess you can attempt to comment on this post but I somehow doubt it will work.  I appreciate any help you can give.  I'm more than a little blog challenged.  I'm really sorry for the inconvenience and I hope to figure it out so I don't miss any more of your comments!

ETA:  I successfully posted a "test comment" on this post so you might see if you can also.  Crossing fingers!

Making his/her internet debut. . .

I would like to take a moment to introduce you to the newest addition to our crazy family.

This is Meap (alternately known as Little Murray Sparkles).  Please ignore my horrible attempt to edit my name and patient info out-- I'm no professional at it.

In this first one, Meap's hand is up in front of the face in a thumb sucking position. . . maybe (s)he has already picked up big brother's habit.


Here Meap's arm is up by his/her face.  The face is turned toward us and it really looks like (s)he is waving at us.


This one is another profile photo and it looks like his/her hand is resting on top of his/her head and you can see four little fingers!  Also, what a cute little nose!



Chad is the only one that knows the gender but I'm convinced that it is another boy.  I guess we shall see in April when this little munchkin will be joining us.  We had an excellent ultrasound today and all looked well.  He/she has been very active this afternoon while I was scanning the photos as well as this morning when they were trying to get a good look during the ultrasound. Little one already weighs 13 oz. and had a heart rate of 149. (Though it's all based on an old wives tale and is just for fun, babybpm.com says that with the gestational age and heart rate that it's a boy, too, hehe).  We are just over half way there and we are over the moon.  After our previous losses, it was hard to be certain we'd make it this far and we have been on pins and needles the entire time.  I don't think this will ever be an entirely laid back pregnancy (though I'm lucky and have never experienced complications after the first trimester) but we are starting to relax a little.

We haven't settled on any names yet but have quite an extensive list to choose from.  However, that list is primarily divided between ones he likes and ones that I like.

I guess that is all for now. . .Check back here occasionally for updates on little Meap.

A New Month, A New Day

August is here.  I just looked over last month's entries and they were all pretty much downers.  Since we are now in a new month, I'm feeling a little better after many cleansing tears.  Optimism is a daily struggle for me and I have many lows but functioning is become a little easier.  I'm sure the equilibrium is only temporary, but I'll take it.  I'm beginning classes on Monday (August intersession) and my oldest kiddo heads back to school on Thursday.  Our lives are picking up speed again and I'm going to be hit and miss around here, again.  I'm looking forward to getting back to a routine but I am really going to miss the laid back Summer.

Hope you all find have a happy end to the Summer and a great Fall!  See you on the flip side.  ;)

Photograph

Most of my thoughts are more eloquently already written for me by others.  I'm no writer.  Here's just one more example:


Photograph by Richard Starkey (Ringo Starr) and George Harrison 


Every time I see your face

It reminds me of the places we used to go
But all I've got is a photograph
And I realize you're not coming back anymore

I thought I'd make it
The day you went away
But I can't make it
'Til you come home again to stay

I can't get used to living here
While my heart is broke, my tears are cried for you
I want you here to have and hold
As the years go by, and we grow old and gray

Now you're expecting me
To live without you
But that's not something
That I'm looking forward to

There have been lots of tearful days recently and I think it gets harder as each day passes.  I have nothing really to add but this song really fit perfectly with how I'm feeling right now.

Cards for Sorrow, Cards for Pain

A friend of mine is going through almost exactly what we went through with Mom.  I am so sad for her.  I find it so hard to move forward with the loss of my Mom and I hate that she is having to face the same thing.  I hate that anyone has to.  No one should have to endure such pain of losing a parent, spouse, or child.  Life is cruel and it really makes me MAD.

If you have a few minutes, please send a prayer or thoughts of peace her way.

This is a song from Rocky Horror, while I know most of you wouldn't like or appreciate the movie, I hope you can listen to the song for it's beauty and what it says.  Maybe I'm peculiar but I find it comforting.  I may have to listen to it a few more times before bed.  

One year ago today. . .

Exactly one year ago today I impulsively took a pregnancy test.  I'd had a sneaking suspicion for a couple of days that I might be pregnant and right before we headed to Tulsa to watch the fireworks, I snuck to the bathroom to verify my suspicion.  Surprisingly enough, it was actually positive.  Riding to Tulsa was filled with mixed emotions.  I was happy and scared and so worried about how it would affect our future.  I had wanted a third child in the first few months after Lennon was born (wanted to know there was a third in our future not one right then), but I had come to terms that with our future goals and probably limited income even after getting into our careers (I mean, Chad plans to become a professor) that three children just wasn't something that we'd be able to manage.  As I said, we were happy but also very unsure about our future and taken aback by how much our lives would be changing.  There were just so many things to consider.

We told no one in our families.  I had to talk to someone about it and the only person that I confided in was my best friend, Hannah, who has a baby the same age as Lennon and could fully understand how crazy I felt having a 9 month old and finding out I was pregnant.  Chad and I planned to share the news with our families after Lennon's first birthday.

There was about a week where we were really filled with angst over it all.  Then we really found our stride and realized that three was manageable and we found new ways to make this pregnancy and child special and part of our family.  Chad decided that he would read a poem to the baby every night until s/he was born.  He was also the only one that was going to find out the gender.  I had been a control freak planner in the past and had always wanted to be surprised but never could handle not being fully prepared with clothes, etc.  This time I was going to let him buy anything that we needed clothes wise.  We'd even devised a system that I could still have an opinion on the clothes.  We would look in both the boy and girl sections and then he would later purchase the outfit appropriate for the gender.  We were both so excited about that arrangement. I got to have the surprise (with planning!) and he got to be the only one that knew.  We also reveled in waiting to tell everyone.  It was our little secret surprise.  We called the baby Peppermint as a code word (originating from the Rugrats) for pregnant.  It worked as a perfect name that transcended gender, too.

Chad had a week of vacation in August just before the Fall semester started and the timing worked out just right that our first ultrasound was going to be Wednesday of that week.  We anxiously awaited the ultrasound just to finalize the reality we'd so recently come to terms with.  We took the kids so that they could share this new mystery of our unexpected third baby.  Then all of the initial fear and then joy of the previous 6 weeks came crashing down around us.  The ultrasound revealed that Peppermint had stopped growing and died around 8 weeks and that I had a missed miscarriage.  Missed, because my body allowed me to continue to feel pregnant and gave no signs otherwise.  I had my D&C that Friday, the day I was to be exactly 10 weeks.  I won't go into any more details about actually finding out that horrible news but it was just that, horrible.  I still feel pain daily because of this loss.

Even now, I feel like all the air is sucked out of the room when I allow myself to think about it more than just passingly, which I don't often allow myself to do.  I feel such an emptiness in my being and a weight on my chest.  I was so wrapped up in it that the Fall was marred by awful depression and I had to reorient myself and set a new path so I hastily enrolled in school immediately before Christmas to start this past Spring.  I suppose it is in part because I have such a love for learning, but also because my education is something I have tangible control over.

I feel like my world just keeps spinning out of control and it all started with that July 4th, one year ago.  March was a particularly bad time for me when I was forced to really deal with the reality that Peppermint was gone as we neared her/his due date.  Then just a few measly weeks later my mom died suddenly, something I still am struggling to come to terms with.  I just really don't know how to continue.  Maybe this why I want to go to law school so much, something else I can attempt and conquer, further empowering myself.  Of course, I have other reasons for finishing my BS and pursuing law school, for one, I need a career someday and working in the public sector and challenging laws that are written poorly and are intentionally motivated by hate and fear (think along the lines of Oklahoma's "Arizona Plus" or the previous HB 1804 that actually passed and has dramatically impacted the immigrant community).  I guess, for now, my coping mechanism is transferring this immense pain that I feel into passion.  Even doing this, I still have good days and very bad days.  I am not coping with this well and I just really despise this last year of my life.  Also, I now hate the 4th of July.  It can no longer be a symbol of independence for me but rather exists only as a prison of pain.

Regrets. . . I've had a few

This isn't really a post about religion but I would still like to share. . .

I have my share of regrets, that is certain.  I've made a fool of myself in more ways than I can count.  I make a fool of myself daily in real life but I'm also adept at using snail mail, e-mail, FB, this blog, and even the phone to do so.

My biggest regret to date is how I handled a phone call I received when I was in eighth or ninth grade.

Before moving back to Arkansas between my 7th and 8th grade years I lived in Texas.  Just like everywhere I have lived, I had a group of a few girls that I hung out with and had over and the like.  One of my friends was a girl named Heather.  She was one of the more funky girls in our group.  I always tended toward the offbeat groups and to say we were quirky would be putting it mildly.  I had an (awesome!) neon green and silver purse that looked like an old-school suitcase.  60s retro was big then and we all wore peace signs and smiley face jewelry.  Heather really had the most personality of us all.  She was more goth than the rest of us and way more mellow yet confident.  The group was loosely formed around her.  Her style was independent of us.  As far as the school went she wasn't most popular, obviously none of us were, but everybody knew her and most liked her.

After moving back to Arkansas, I received a phone call from her one evening.  Honestly, I have no idea how she found me.  My parents worked at the children's home and she called me at the cottage which was unlisted and even if it had been listed she couldn't have looked under our family name to find it.  Maybe I was better at letter writing then and had written her with it.  I seem to remember being surprised that she'd found me, though, at the time.  Regardless, she called and we talked.  She told me of her boyfriends and school and other normal teenage girl stuff.  At some point during the call she shared some big news. . .

Much bigger news than I'd ever heard before in my junior high life. . .

She told me she was bisexual.  Awkward silence ensued.  I had no idea how to respond.  I think my first thought was, 'Why is she telling me this?'  I hadn't even had a boyfriend yet and she's telling me she likes guys and girls!  I was blown away.  I had no idea what to say after that.  I don't really know how I got from being blown away to church-y but I did.  Somehow I worked in something along the lines of that she really shouldn't like girls and that it wasn't God's will and all that stuff.  I cannot imagine the hurt I probably caused her.  She was obviously calling me because she thought I might understand or at least not shun and judge her.  But that is just what I did.  I wasn't there for her.  What I wish more than anything was that I had told her that I loved her and that she was still my friend anyway.  

I wish I knew how to get in-touch with her and apologize.  Not being able to do so is one of those things that just eats away at me.

I've done some really stupid and thoughtless things but none as horrible as how I treated Heather. . .      

What is your moral code?

I'm not sure where this notion originated, but there is a theory that abounds that people without faith in a higher power have no ethics or morality.  It is assumed that because atheists don't have the fear of retribution that most religion provides, that they will feel free to commit any number of crimes and wrongs.  I am sure there are exceptions, but for the most part the opposite seems to be the case.  All of the atheists I know are very moral people and have a specific code that they live by.  My personal code follows along the same lines.  I believe that the way to determine right from wrong is by simply asking yourself one question. 

Will the action I am about to take cause any sort of harm to someone else?  

Under Christianity, I got the answer "yes" to that question on more than one occasion which is one of the reasons that I began to seek answers.  Now I don't claim, any more than the religious do, to be perfect at following my code.  I fail.  Often.

Choosing to do right and help others through non-required acts of altruism is a higher form of right than doing so because someone told you that you must, in my opinion.  Most atheists do things because they see us as all in this together. . . equal and human.  Many religions seem to be more "us" against "them".  I understand that this difference stems from the two basic ways that humanity can be viewed.  It is either essentially good or essentially evil.  Christianity takes the second view.  Some religions like to claim that they exist for the greater good but end up only benefiting a small number, I cannot understand this.  I basically see humanity positively and I believe that people can change the world.      

Here is a poem I stumbled upon a while back that clearly illustrates the differences between these two very different ways of viewing the world.  I don't believe that she wrote this to apply to agnosticism or atheism but just different belief systems.  I made that connection because so many want to portray those people as being amoral and it just isn't the case but rather a result of different worldviews.

"It Matters What You Believe" by Sophia Lyons Fahs

Some beliefs are like walled gardens. They encourage exclusiveness, and the feeling of being especially privileged.

Other beliefs are expansive and lead the way into wider and deeper sympathies. 

Some beliefs are like shadows, clouding children's days with fears of unknown calamities. 

Other beliefs are like sunshine, blessing children with the warmth of happiness. 

Some beliefs are divisive, separating the saved from the unsaved, friends from enemies.

Other beliefs are bonds in a world community, where sincere differences beautify the pattern. 

Some beliefs are like blinders, shutting off the power to choose one's own direction. 

         Other beliefs are like gateways opening wide vistas for exploration. 

Some beliefs weaken a person's selfhood. They blight the growth of resourcefulness.

Other beliefs nurture self-confidence and enrich the feeling of personal worth. 

Some beliefs are rigid, like the body of death, impotent in a changing world. 

Other beliefs are pliable, like the young sapling, ever growing with the upward thrust of life.

What are your views?  Does your religion ever encourage you act in a way that might be hurtful to others, physically or emotionally?  Do you believe that people have the capacity to do good at all or are they essentially evil?