Anticipation!

In many ways, this pregnancy has been easier than my other two successful pregnancies.  That's not to say that there aren't many days that I feel like I can barely walk from hip/sciatic pain or that there aren't nightly bouts of acid reflux but I really do feel like it has been easier this time around.  

Maybe my improved outlook on the aches and pains of pregnancy is because I never thought we'd be expecting a third and after all the heart ache of our previous losses, physical pain is really inconsequential.  I love feeling this little girl kick and move inside of me but I can't restrain myself and hope the weeks continue to pass quickly so I'll get to hold her and see her beautiful face.  

At the same time, however, I hope we get a few extra weeks to work on her room.  It is still pretty much in playroom mode.  We have a bookcase that needs to be completed before we can move out the rest of the boy's stuff out of the playroom/nursery to begin painting.  We hope to get the bookcase finished this upcoming weekend, though it is no small task.  We are covering a 6 ft., 5 shelf bookcase in sheets of poetry, decoupage style.  It had been covered in a plastic faux wood veneer that we peeled off to reveal the wood beneath.  We have a lot of furniture moving to accomplish once that project is finished.  Hopefully by next week, however, we'll be ready to begin painting on the nursery so we can get the crib put together and her room finally looking like a nursery!

Either way, the anticipation is building.  Anticipation to get to hold this little lady and to have our house finally settled with everything finally arranged where we want it.  

Some other highly anticipatory news came from some good friends of ours.  They have been longing to add a child to their family since before we found out we were expecting our oldest.  This week they found out they will be adding TWO to their family later this year!!  They are beyond excited and surprised to be having twins and we are so, so happy for their wonderful family!  

Meeting with the new doctor!

Yesterday we had our first actual meeting with my new doctor.  I say "my new doctor" because now I'm officially a patient!  Chad took off for the appointment time and was able to go with me while the boys stayed at home with my Dad, so we could have the freedom to discuss things and not have the distractions that kiddos naturally bring.

Now for the details:

The Dr. T was very nice and has an excellent manner.  He is equally matched with a wonderful office staff.  I had a very thorough first appointment and I'd say he was probably in with us for the better part of 45 minutes and it may have been an hour.  I don't think I've ever had a doctor spend that much time just discussing things, ever.

He was completely upfront about Trial of Labor (TOL) and the risks and the higher degree of risk that I have having had two previous c-sections.  He was also upfront about my chance of a successful VBA2C and the possibility that even if I do attempt TOL, I still have a chance that I won't have a vaginal delivery which has nothing to do with the risks that are associated but have much more to do that I have not had a successful delivery yet, am short in stature, and we have no way of knowing now other variables such as the baby's size.  He has one of the lowest c-section rate of any doctor in the area at 8%.  The national average is 32%.  For me he estimates that my risk of attempting a TOL and ending in a c-section, is about 20% because of my history.  So that is an 80% chance of success which is still quite high when compared to the national c-section rate.

In addition to explaining the risks and probabilities, he explained his policy on being present for the birth.  Unlike most doctors, he doesn't work with an on-call group and he is solely on-call 24-7 unless he has to be out of town.  If that is the case, the on-call doctor at the hospital will be the one in charge and if that is the case I won't have the opportunity to attempt a TOL.  However, in the last two years (I believe that was the time period) he has only missed the delivery of two of his patients which comes out to a less than 1% chance that he won't be able to make it to the hospital if I go into labor.  Seems to suck for him but is wonderful news if you are the patient!  His wife works alongside him and it seems that they are committed to women's health as a couple and understand the intricacies and insecurities that women have in these most vulnerable and delightful times in their lives.

Chad and I both have mixed feelings about TOL and we honestly have no idea if we will attempt it or not.  The risks, though pretty low, are still significant enough to give us pause.  As the doctor pointed out, we are under no pressure to make the decision now and have about 10 weeks of thought to put in.  There are lots of things that might influence our decision as we near the birth as well.  At this point, we cannot know the size of the baby, if she will drop and engage, how my cervix will prepare, etc.  There are lots of variables that can change the course and make the decision for us.  For now, even being able to make the choice is very empowering for me.  Even if we do end up choosing RCS (repeat c/s).  I didn't remotely have the choice with my previous doctor.  So that's where we are right now.  I'm just happy to have a doctor that is open to it.  

29 years ago today

...my parents got married.  In memory of my mom, I bought Sugar-Free Coconut Cookies for me to drown my sorrows in since alcohol is off limits.  I guess it will do.

Mad at my mom or something like that

Well I guess the title isn't quite accurate.  I'm not really mad at her.  I'm just mad she's not here.  I think I have shared here before that I have two phases that I default to when I grieve.  Sadness and anger.  I really hate crying and do all that I can to avoid it.  When I start to think of something that makes me tear up, I change the subject in my mind.  I allow myself to be angry much more frequently.  Maybe that's not a good thing but that's how I deal with it.  So yes, I'm mad at my mom's absence.  It really sucks.  A lot.  And now I have anger and tears.  I guess that's good for me.  Anyway, what brought me to this point today, since I've become so good at repressing it, was something rather dumb.  Barbecue beef.  See, I told you, dumb.  Here's the whole path.  I decided to look for a recipe at CooksIllustrated.com (the parent company/magazine of America's Test Kitchen).  Chad has an account there because several years ago my mom gave him a subscription to Cooks Illustrated magazine for either Christmas or his birthday.  He loved it.  Eventually she transitioned it to the online subscription because of the greater access to recipes.  She always gave the best, most appropriate gifts (for the receiver), especially to Chad.  I can't explain why she was so in his head but she was.  They had a lot in common and why that is making me cry right now, I don't know.  Maybe I'm jealous.  But anyway, she really had a knack for giving him gifts. He really got into cheese-making before he started back to school and lost the time for it.  So, one year for his birthday, I believe, she got him some fresh goat's milk from a local farmer and my dad made him a cheese hanging apparatus.  I don't really have much more to say on this line of discussion other than she was an excellent gift giver for the boys, too.  I am so sad that they are all going to miss out on her thoughtfulness.  To be clear, it's not about the material things she gave, especially because monetarily she didn't have much to give, but it's all about the amount of thought and effort she put into the gifts.  It was extraordinary.  For some reason she had more trouble getting me things that fit my personality and interests.  I don't know why.  We talked all the time on the phone and had a very close relationship.  Maybe it was a case of not being able to see the forest because of all the trees (as in being so close to me that a larger more complete image of me was not visible).

Eh, I got sidetracked here, as usual.  Other than the fact that she was an excellent gift giver and that the Cooks Illustrated was a gift from her, I checked the subscription information because I knew it was probably getting time to renew.  Of course it was.  She died in April and had renewed it in February of last year.  I cannot believe she has been gone nearly a whole year.  I can't deal with this.  This was all supposed to fix itself and my mom should be back here to celebrate her 51st birthday on April 4th.  God this is unfair.  Jude will only barely remember her (about as much as remember my Grandma Janet that died when I was the same age he was when my mom died), Lennon will really only know what we tell him and what he can see of pictures of the two of them, and Emeline won't have any memories or even photos of the two of them to look back on.  I really hate this.  Nothing more to add now then tears.  

One step closer to VBAC!

Finally, after what has seemed like a month though it has been much less, I heard back from the prospective doctor today and he says my file looks good.  I have an appointment on Monday to meet with him.  I'm trying not to put too much hope in it all because I know that there is a chance that after our actual meeting that something might come up that might change the course.  I am really excited that I'm at least going to have the chance to meet with him and fully explore the process.  It's funny, having had two c-sections, I'm suddenly terrified of having to endure a c/s recovery again.  If I do end up having a c/s, the recovery is not something I'm looking forward to and I've had two very easy (by comparison) recoveries.

For those of you that are wondering, VBA2C (Vaginal birth after 2 c-sections) is a better option for some women than a repeat c/s.  There are lots of things that determine if a Trial of Labor is for you, such as the  cause of the initial c/s and the internal incision used.  For me, my first c/s was due to fetal distress caused by the cord being around Jude's neck.  My second c/s was a repeat because I had been unable to find a provider that would do a VBAC at the time.  All of the ones I had found either didn't practice at my hospital, weren't on my insurance, or had recently stopped performing VBACs because of pressure from the state's ubiquitous malpractice insurance provider (which made it's decision based in fear rather than statistical facts).  With Jude my water had broken and my body was doing everything that it was supposed to and I have good hopes that given the chance, I can deliver this baby without surgical intervention, though I'm obviously not opposed to it if it is medically necessary.

At my appointment with my regular doctor on Tuesday, she spoke highly of my prospective doctor and said he has a very high success rate.  She is just about as anxious as I am to hear what he thinks about my case.

I hope I have some good news to report on Monday! Until then, here is some facts from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists on VBAC in case anyone is curious.

ACOG Press Release

ACOG Patient Fact Sheet

A picture post and how Chad revealed the gender!

So, I've been doing quite a lot of talking but with no corresponding pictures.  Today is the day I redeem myself. . .

First, I suppose I should go back and explain how I found out the gender and why I caved.  Chad and I were both dealing with a lot of stress right at the end of the Fall semester.  It was nuts.  He found out the gender the Monday of the last actual week of class.  Finals were the following week and we both had massive amounts of work to do.  The Friday after he found out, I was feeling stressed and the fact that he knew the gender and that I wanted to revel in it, too, increased the stress.  I, for some reason, decided that maybe we should contemplate having a gender reveal at Christmas and I really liked that idea.  All I knew is that once I found out there would be no more chance that I could just wait until the birth and be surprised.  Realizing the gravity of the decision, I became more stressed because I wanted to know so badly but knew that I wouldn't be able to give back my knowledge.  So by that evening we decided that for the sanity of all of us, I needed to know that night.  I am so glad I found out and I have no regrets.  We just aren't meant to keep those kind of monumental things from each other.  Chad was awesome and completely made it a wonderful and memorable time.  I insisted that it be a special moment and reveal and he outdid himself!  (We had both been terrified he would just blurt it out if we continued to wait and that was certainly not the way either of us wanted me to find out).  So, he went into the bedroom and spend a good thirty minutes in there and emerged with a beautifully wrapped small box.  We got the kids in the room and set up the camera on the tripod.  We started the video and we asked both boys what they thought the gender would be.  Jude answered that he thought it would be a boy and that he was hoping it would be (much to my surprise because until that night, the entire pregnancy he'd been on Team Pink).  Lennon said he thought it would be a girl.  Then I began to unwrap the box.

 The small box under the wrapping.  It was all taped up and I had to decide for sure if I really wanted to know the secret it held.  Finally, when I was sure I wanted to know I opened it and found

I was immediately shocked because I had really been expecting it to say girl but began explaining to the boys that they were having a brother and congratulating Jude on being right.  Sometime during all this Chad took the box from me and I barely noticed.  I guess I figured he was setting it aside for posterity and didn't want me to dump out the confetti.  Well, while I wasn't paying attention he dumped the confetti in his hand and then handed the box back to me and told me to take another look.  This is what I found. . .

And at this point the tears started streaming down my face!  I could not believe it!  Needless to say we are both overjoyed to know that we are having a little girl and I'm so thankful for Chad making the surprise so wonderful and sneaky.  He's the greatest!

Now for some more picture fun from the last few weeks!

Lennon rocking the swing!  He's pretty proud he can make it go  by himself!

Jude showing his "mashed potatoes" aka golf balls.

Teamwork.  Jude is pushing the tonka truck up to Lennon for a dramatic release!

They switched positions and Lennon is giving the go signal.

This kid gets bigger and bigger every day.

Jude and Lennon chilling with Jude's new V-Reader he got for Christmas from Nana and Pawpaw.

Little man decided to add a pair of overall shorts to his outfit for the day.  

The complete outfit.  He picked his rain boots to wear down to the bus stop to pick up Jude.  I love his style!

Still waiting

I have been around and around with my current OB's office.  Chad returned the corrected form (the office filled it out incorrectly) on Monday.  I called the prospective Dr's office yesterday afternoon to see if they had received anything on me yet and they hadn't.  She gave me another way to get the records to them and I wish I had done it this way in the first place. . . go directly to the hospital.  All of the records that they needed are part of my inpatient hospital record from my two previous deliveries!  Chad took in the form to the Medical Records staff today and they said they would fax over the appropriate documents later today.  I'm hoping they will receive them today and the Dr. will have a chance to review them in the next day or so and that maybe I will know something by tomorrow!  I'm nervous and excited all at once!  

Two days and we'll be rocking the 3rd trimester! 

Double digits!

I'm officially only 90 days way from my due date!  I'm so excited!  This pregnancy is finally beginning to seem real!  I wasn't sure how real it would feel until she was actually here but I finally believe that we actually have a new wonderful addition to our family in April!  It's odd to me how having losses, even early ones, really affect how you view future pregnancies.  I have just now been able to get excited and feel like this is really happening and my latest loss was at 10 weeks and now I'm 27 weeks.  Losing a child changes your perspective so much.  Even once you are past whatever marker is seen as your most delicate time, for me the first trimester, your mind goes into overdrive and you feel like even though later losses are less common and typically caused by things unrelated to the reason for the early losses, you start to question everything.  I'm terrified of a cord accident or any other reason that my later term baby might be lost.  Honestly, even though I have really started to feel excitement and anticipation of getting to meet this little girl, I still haven't taken the tags off of the clothes we bought and washed them yet.  Part of that is due to not having much accomplished in her room yet and nowhere to put them but there is another part in the far back of my mind that worries that I won't get to dress her in these clothes.  I know that it's a concern that every mother has but I can't explain how different my concern is this time around as opposed to my previous pregnancies that progressed past the first trimester.  Either way, I am still getting so excited and I'm so relieved to finally be feeling this way!

In other baby news, I'm going around and around with my OB's office.  I became aware of another doctor in my area that was willing to review my chart to see if I might be a candidate for a trial of labor even though I have two previous c-sections.  I requested the documents from my doctor's office on Monday.  I was informed that I would have to sign a waiver for their release when I went in for my appointment on Tuesday.  I did so.  I was of the hope, apparently erroneously, that they would have the documents all ready to send but were only waiting on my signature to release them.  That was not the case.  I called back on Wednesday to check the status and verify that they understood what I wanted.  The nurse I spoke to gave me the third degree on Wednesday basically telling me I was foolish for even seeking a second opinion (for the record in our state it very difficult to obtain a trial of labor or vaginal birth after a c-section because of the state's prominent malpractice insurer- PLICO- and my current doctor is insured with PLICO and has never given me the option to have a TOL, my second son was a scheduled repeat c/s).  I want to do what is absolutely best for me and my baby and based on what I know of surgical history, I would be a perfect candidate.  The only bit of information I don't have at my disposal to know if this is even worth my time is the type of uterine incision I have.  I would assume that it matches my external incision and is a low horizontal one but I just don't know.  Since the history I am aware of seems to indicate I am a good candidate, I decided to give this other doctor the opportunity to review my file and give me his opinion.  I just don't want to regret not knowing for sure.  How I wish I had know of this doctor with my pregnancy with my youngest son.  Anyway, after getting grilled by the nurse on Wednesday, the front desk lady (who I assume takes care of records, too) called and gave me the third degree yesterday, too.  I explained to her as I had the nurse, that I wasn't transferring my care at this point I just wanted to give this other doctor the opportunity to advise me on chances.  She was very rude and I'm really fed up with going around with these people.  I'm hoping that they will actually get the file sent over today so I can find out if I will be transferring my care.  After dealing with all of this and their utter rudeness, I'm ready to change doctors anyway.  For the most part I am very pleased with my doctor herself and she has been the only reason over the last 6 years that I have remained with her practice because this is not the first time I have felt uncomfortable with the office staff.  The thing that initially caused me to consider changing doctors and led to the recommendation of the new doctor by my sister in law, was that my doctor's office called and tried to schedule me for my c/s in my 38th week which I happen to know is against new ACOG guidelines for repeat c-sections since I have no real medical reason for taking her early.  The doctor gladly changed the date when I mentioned it on Tuesday and I left feeling like it was an honest mistake and that they weren't trying to pull one over on me and that I was respected in my medical decisions, even though she gently reminded me that I might go into labor (water broke with my oldest at 36w6d) and she might not be the one on-call when I did, which does not bother me.  I am really anxious to hear from the new doctor and I really, really hope that he will accept me as his patient even if it turns out I'm not a good candidate for TOL or VBAC.  I'm just done with my current doctor and only want to continue with her if I just cannot find a good alternative.

Sorry for the enormous rant but you should see the one I graced the ladies at Babycenter with on their VBAC board.  :)

I'm making roast for dinner and I cannot wait!  Ready to get it started! We are having my dad over for dinner tonight.  It has been much too long.

Have a great Friday!

Finally better!

So after what seems like three weeks (and probably actually was) of dealing with a cold and then random stomach bug, I'm finally feeling better!  Slowly but surely I'm making progress on the house.  We still have some clutter issues.  Let's just say that 6 mos. worth of paper that needs to be gone through and filed isn't really something I'm looking forward to!  It's really not that bad but it's much worse than I am comfortable with.  I did manage to finally weed through the toys and move the toy box into the boys room yesterday.  It looks like the last thing that we really need to handle in cleaning out the playroom is moving or finding an alternative to the desk/bookcase.  I had been pretty overwhelmed with the playroom since before Christmas but after Christmas the whole room looked like we'd seen some sort of natural disaster.  There was just so much stuff strung all around it.  It was terrible.  I feel like getting it picked up and their toys sorted through is a major accomplishment!  I still have a long way to go with the house to get it where I'm comfortable with it again but I'm really relishing this rather small accomplishment.  My only goals for this week were the toys and laundry.  After being so sick for so long, I think it was a perfect goal and I'm really pleased that it has been realized.

Earlier this week I also found out that I'm anemic.  It's really no big deal but it does effect how much energy you have.  It's a common thing in pregnancy and I just have to take an additional iron supplement for it.  I had it with Lennon, too.  I'm hoping that once I get my iron levels back where they should be that I'll have a lot more energy and really get things going around here!  Until then, it's just small goals and keeping things caught up.

We have less than 100 days before we get to meet the baby!  The nurse called Wednesday to find out when I wanted to do my c-section so that we can get on the surgery schedule.  There is a long rant to go along with this and I'll probably post something about it after I have a chance to talk to my doctor about it on Tuesday.  Let's just say they want to do it earlier than I'm comfortable with because of over-inflated concerns about my history (water breaking at 36w 6d with Jude).  If we do it when they want to, she'll be here in less than three months!  That seems absurdly close to me, especially since we haven't really had a chance to buy much of anything for her and silly me gave everything away so we really are starting from scratch.  Oh well, as unprepared as I feel, I'm still anxious for the time to pass and to have her here and in my arms.  I'm just not really going to relax and feel comfortable with this pregnancy.

Well, it's time to motivate myself again and get that laundry taken care of and get dinner (Chili! Yum!) started.

Hope everyone has a good weekend, I'm feeling good about ours!

It's a . . .

For those of you that have been waiting patiently to find out the gender of Meap, the family all officially knows now and I can tell you that. . . . .






It's














A





































Girl!!!

We are beyond excited.  Some time, I'll tell you all about how we decided for me to find out, the big reveal and more.  If I can get my act together, there will be photos, too!

Right now, though, I'm still battling illness and not feeling perky enough to write more.  I'm also trying to cope with several thoughts mulling through my head.