She's here!

Emeline is here.  She arrived at 7:56 pm on April 14th.  She weighed 7 lbs. 3 oz. and is 20 inches long.  She is perfect.  Someday I'll get around to posting her birth story but it may be awhile.  I didn't get my VBAC but I'm very happy with my birth experience.  It looks like there were very good reasons why it ended up turning out how it did.

More proof that my old Dr. was lame

I just got an interesting call from the pre-arrival people at the hospital I plan to deliver at.  They were giving me instructions about the pre-admitting procedures and things for my scheduled c/s on Monday. Of course, the c/s was supposed to be cancelled and I took the proper measures to do so when I changed practices.  It obviously didn't get taken care of.  Lame.

In better news, I've been having contractions all morning.  Now they have lessened in intensity and are growing further apart but they have been pretty good all morning.  When Chad gets home we'll get to walking and hope they pick back up.  For now, though, nap time.  I think I'm going to take this time to enjoy the rest b/c waking up contracting at 4 am was pretty hard to sleep through!

Happy Friday the 13th, everyone!

Staying busy and taking it easy

Waiting on a new baby is kind of like waiting on a looming natural disaster in the forecast.  You have a good idea of what you should have ready but inevitably something either can't be done until closer to time or it gets overlooked.

Today, I've already had a few contractions but nothing regular or to write home about.  The last one, if it was an actual contraction, was much longer than I've had to this point and it got me motivated.  On my agenda for today was a load of whites and to clean both bathrooms as well as a short trip to W-M that I already accomplished this morning after dropping Jude at school.  After that contraction or stomach cramp or whatever it was, I got those other chores taken care of.  I'm terrified of labor getting started and having to head to the hospital and leaving the house in a less than clean way.  I mean, my house isn't going to be spotless.  I've given up on that for the time being.  We still have too many of our many small projects strung out everywhere for that to even be a reality but I don't want whoever is here with the kids to have to see with nasty toilets and piles of laundry.  So those are the things I'm focusing on.  Tomorrow, I'll dust and vacuum.  These little chores each day are about all I can handle each day, as pitiful as that sounds.  

Jude was out of school Friday and we had plans to meet up with my family Friday evening to celebrate Easter and Chad's birthday.  Well, Jude got progressively lethargic and whiny as the afternoon went on and complained of a headache.  We realized that our plans were dashed when all of his symptoms culminated in getting sick in the trash when we were about to leave (as I think I mentioned in my previous post on his illness, I thought the headache was sinus related and after medicating him for it we planned to continue with our plans).  He didn't get sick anymore until right around bedtime but then proceeded to get sick about 5 or 6 times over the course of the overnight period.  Let's just say there was a  lot of laundry (two sets of sheets, multiple pillows, etc) to be washed on Saturday.  It was some kind of holiday weekend.  Thankfully he didn't get sick anymore on Saturday, after that awful night previous.  He just had a fever on Saturday and Sunday.  No one else in the house has gotten the bug and I hope it stays that way.  

In addition to all the sheets, blankets and things that got washed I got my tail in gear and washed up all of our other laundry, too.  It's rare that all of that stuff is clean at the same time and I'm pretty proud of myself for getting it all done.  Now, hopefully, she'll come while everything is still clean!  ;)

Though there have been oodles of laundry that I've managed to get finished, I've still been taking it easy.  My body is tired of being pregnant and there has been a lot of resting with my feet up, too.  I feel like I've been complaining too much about it.  I don't like complaining about it because I know how lucky I am to be pregnant and to be able to carry a child with minimal complications.  We really are fortunate and for that I am thankful.  Because of this poor Chad has been hearing the bulk of my complaints.  Let's just say that we are both quite anxious to be finished with the pregnancy and to get to hold the end result in these months of waiting.  

All that said, I do hope she's not born tonight or tomorrow.  I just don't think I can bear to be in the same hospital on the one year anniversary of my Mom's death.  Her aneurysm happened on the 10th of last year and she was officially brain dead at that time but her body kept functioning until the 11th (she absolutely didn't want any intervention to keep her body alive so we didn't allow them to do any).  I already have mixed feelings about delivering in the same hospital but I do know that it is the best place to accomplish my birth goals and also to simply have a baby since there is a level III NICU on-site in case the baby would need any help.  It is the same hospital where I had both boys, too.  I just am having a hard time separating what I see as an excellent part of the hospital from the part that I feel failed my mom and caused so much pain for our family.  I will say that none of those feelings of being failed while in hospital with my mom extend to the ICU where we spent our last hours with her (body).  They were exceptional in there and I have absolutely nothing negative to say about them as they did everything they could to make us comfortable while we waited for the inevitable.  Suffice it to say, as anxious as I am to meet this little girl, I just really don't want to do it today or tomorrow.  I think.  So many mixed feelings.  One minute I think I understand what I feel and the next I am completely feeling differently.  Grief is so confusing.    

Headaches freak me out

I've always been one to have headaches.  Migraines, too.  Never a big deal for me, just a part of life.  A very annoying part of life but just something I live with.  Being pregnant, I've gotten somewhat of a reprieve and they haven't been at the top of my list of annoyances for awhile now.

In the past few weeks, I've noticed Jude talking about his head hurting occasionally.  This afternoon he started complaining of a headache, again.  Chad and I have both had some trouble with sinus pressure and related headaches.  His headache this afternoon sounded pretty typically related to that kind, as well.  He described it like, "It hurts when I jump up but when I stop it all goes down".  So I gave him some allergy medicine and hoped that was it.  We had plans to meet with my Uncle and Aunt for Easter tonight so I was getting things around so we could go and planned to give the boys their bath before we went since it would be near or past their bedtime when we got home.  Jude has become even more lethargic and has just sat in the same seat since I gave him the allergy medicine and he's still complaining about his head.  I finally motivate him to come to the bathroom so I can give them a bath and he really just melts into a pile of tears on the floor.  I decide to give him some ibuprofen still chalking it up to a sinus headache.  He cries all through the bath and my mind starts to wonder what is going on with this kid.  He has no fever.  In the tub, he does complain that his throat hurts, too.  Before he mentions his throat, while my mind is wondering, I start to fear horrible things.  What if he is really in much more pain than I can tell?  I mean he's started crying from the pain.  How bad is this really?  Headache pain isn't one of those things that is easily described, especially not for a 5 year old.  What if we have thin vessels in our brains (this is actually something I plan to have an MRI for after this baby is born to see if I, and subsequently our children, have a genetic predisposition to thin vessels since both my Grandmother and Mom-- and I found out recently Paternal Grandfather-- died of aneurysms) and he is experiencing the extreme pain my Mom was due to a leak?  I know this probably sounds absurd, but here is my five year old in tears over a headache and we are nearing the one year anniversary of the death of my mom from a headache.  I got him dressed and told him he could lay down on our bed while I finished getting Lennon ready and fixed my own hair.  At that point, I was still hoping this was just a sinus thing and that if he just rested for a few minutes and gave the medicine time to kick in he would be feeling better soon and that we could continue with our plans, since it was sinuses and nothing contagious and he would be feeling better.  Well I was wrong, he got his shoes on and while in the kitchen he headed to the trashcan and threw up.  So, of course, upon realizing this wasn't sinus related, I changed his clothes and put him to bed.  Oddly, him being upset at his stomach put my mind at ease because he said his stomach actually hurt, too, which relieved my fears that I knew were irrational, that it could be something much worse.

After about 30 minutes of laying down he was up and much better and was for the rest of the evening until right at bedtime when it started with a headache again and then he got sick right before bed.  He still doesn't have a fever so I don't know what he's got but I hope that he's feeling better by tomorrow!

And through all of this, I learned that I'm a neurotic mess.    

38 weeks!

I'm 38 weeks today.  Tomorrow will mark the longest I've ever been pregnant.  Jude came a day before 37 weeks and Lennon was born via Repeat C-section at 38w1d.  I have to wonder if this isn't one of the reasons I've been so anxious for this kiddo to get the show on the road.  She's really fighting it though.  I swear that last night she moved UP and is now laying sideways (head on one side, butt on the other) rather than head down.  I don't know if it's even possible for her to have enough room to be laying that direction, but that's what it feels like.  I certainly hope that's not the case since I'm trying to avoid another c/s.  Regardless of how she's in there, it seems pretty certain that she won't come today as was Jude's guess.  Now we just sit and wait.  ;)

Happy Birthday, Mom

Today my mom would have turned 51.  It's hard to believe that in just a few days it will have been one year since she died.  As usual, I preoccupy myself with other thoughts to keep from thinking about it too much.  Preparing for Emeline's arrival is my primary distraction.  There is just so much unhappiness stuffed into this month that I feel badly for Emma having to weave her way in here between all of these heavy days.    April is home to two birthdays of my deceased relatives as well as the anniversary of their deaths.  My Grandfather, coincidentally the one Emeline's name takes it's basic root from, died on April Fools Day, 2000 just days before what would have been his 85th birthday on the 6th.  Mom's birthday was the 4th and she passed away on the 11th.  Her memorial was on the 17th.  Of all of the sad days, if this kiddo had to be born on any of these days, I would obviously prefer the birthdays over the sad ones.  Of course,there are good days in April, too.  Chad's birthday is tomorrow.  His brother and our sister-in-law have birthdays this month, too.  But I'm hung up on the sad ones, of course.

 The memory I keep coming back to is the celebration we had last year for my Mom's and Chad's birthday with my Uncle and Aunt last year.  We  went to Outback Steakhouse, as it is hard to pick something that everyone is sure to like.  Mom had had a bad headache for a couple of weeks by this time but she was feeling pretty good that evening.  We had a great evening.  Of course we had no idea that in just a matter of days she would be gone.  I'm really sketchy on the dates already, but I'm pretty sure it was the following day that her headache got worse and she decided to go back to the doctor about it which led to hospital admission.

I guess that's all I have to say.  I miss my mom like crazy and still don't know how to cope with it all.

Happy Birthday, Mom.  I miss you.

Out of my comfort zone

So when I was a kid, even into adulthood, my mom made a very big deal about never feeling comfortable going into people's homes (with permission) when they weren't there or even grabbing anything out of their purse (even when they asked her to), etc.  Apparently this was ingrained in her by my grandmother.  My mom and I had a very open relationship and she didn't even like going in my house without us being there.  Her discomfort passed on to me.

My next-door neighbor's wife is dying of cancer.  She has already outlived the small expectations of a couple of months that she was given in January but the pain has increased greatly and gets worse daily. We don't have much means to help them but one thing I can do is mow their lawn.  We have a riding lawn mower and I offered to mow his lawn when I mow ours.  It's funny to me that even though he knows and appreciates that I will mow his lawn, I still feel uncomfortable in the yard.  I, of course, was raised to respect other's property and would avoid walking in someone's yard at a all costs.  At the risk of sounding old and cranky, kids these days just don't have the same respect.  Kids traipse all over the yards around here not even caring that it's someone's property.  Once, a group of kids hopped our back fence (twice in the same day) to fetch something that had landed in our yard.  That wouldn't be that big of deal had we not been home and would have gladly gotten it for them had they knocked on the door and asked.  I digress.  Tonight I mowed both of our lawns.  I was uncomfortable the WHOLE time.  I don't really have a point here but it just baffles me how the mentality of a yard being private property and is an intimate part of someone's home.

I don't really have a point here, other than this kind of mentality really colors every part of my psyche.  I can see where it affects so many parts of my life.  I would like to explore this at another time.  The implications of the lack of this perception from the younger generations are interesting to explore as well.    Hmmm.

37 weeks!

Tomorrow I will officially be 37 weeks, the general accepted number of weeks for a baby to be full term.  Of course, this is only true if the baby comes at their own time and isn't arbitrarily forced out just because they met this milestone because even at this point their lungs still might not be ready, etc.  Either way, it's still the time when most mommies breathe a sigh of relief to make it to this point.  That's just what I'm doing, too.  Breathing a sigh of relief.  However, at this stage in pregnancy it's a little hard to breathe.  Interestingly, after having a wonderful yet tiring weekend, I thought that Emeline's time was approaching.  I have been having all kinds of pressure and cramping and I really expected to have made a little progress toward labor, even if it still was a few weeks away.  Alas, she seems quite comfy where she is and my body seems quite content to keep her there.  I'm left with only vestiges of energy.  Life seems to be getting chaotic because I'm not keeping up on things as I should.

In more positive news, the girls of the family threw us a baby shower on Sunday and we came home with so much stuff.  I'm happy to report that we are now very prepared for this little girl's arrival and that I'm beyond indebted to our families for their extreme generosity.  Of course, I have my work cut out for me to get everything washed and put away before Emeline gets here.  I have washed all the newborn clothes and swaddling blankets, so I've made a good start but there is still so much left to do.  I really am ready to get to it but I have a mound of clean laundry of our own that I must (if I want to be responsible) tackle first.

It is so hard to believe that this little girl could make her appearance any time now.  Tonight marks the milestone at which my water broke with Jude.  Lennon stayed put until he was evicted at 38 weeks and I have no clue as to how long he would have liked to have cooked.  From here on out it's all guessing as to when she makes her appearance.  I keep reading into signs I feel like my body is giving me.  I'll be extra crampy and start to get my hopes up that maybe it is very early labor.  In fact, I feel like I'm having a contraction right now.  Labor?  Probably not, just my body getting some good practice in.  The waiting and guessing is exciting and fun but I think my wild brain takes it to a whole new neurotic level and Chad is just as bad.  Right now, I just want to focus on enjoying these last few weeks and not trying to wish them away too badly, no matter how much I just want my daughter here already!  To me, the womb is an uncertain place, too, and the thought of getting to hold her and know she is safe would give me comfort and I think that is something else I long for.  The reassurance that she will be safe until she's born and that she won't leave us.  My anxiety toward losing her is compounded by the timing of her due date.  My mom's birthday and the day she passed are quickly approaching and I've been doing all I can to avoid thinking about it, as is my usual.  Focusing on the baby has been a great distraction but at the same time, because of it, fear grips me.  There are just so many complications that could take this child from us and I just don't think I could bear another loss in such a short span of time.

All I can do and really have been doing is taking it all one day at a time, I suppose, as cliche as that sounds.  I'm going to try to not be so neurotic and over analyze ever little kick, cramp, or contraction and I'll also try to worry so much.  Wish me luck!

Nursery pictures!

First of all, I would like to say an extra big THANK YOU, to Eric and Megan for coming over this weekend to help us out with this major project!  We couldn't have done it without them!!


Before:

During:

Pencil drawings of the trees beside paint samples.  The two on the right are the ones I chose and the pink on the left is a sample Chad picked up when he went to Lowes without the paint sample cards.  We knew before we put it on the wall that it wasn't in the running but wanted to see what it looked liked.

Working on the detail of the trees.  They changed strategies a couple of times  but settled on  a great one that made the work go much faster.  

Megan got in there and helped by working on the green while the boys worked on the trees.  If she hadn't jumped in, they might not have gotten it all done before they left on Sunday evening.  

Eric working on the trees.

After:

Big brother Lennon chilling in Em's room

The wall with the window and the wall with the closet are only green.  

Looking into the room from the doorway.

Looking toward the door.  I love this tree for the detail over the door and the little carved heart!

The carving detail.  So sweet.  Chad did that for me!  

I love this room.  I keep going in there trying to figure out how to arrange the furniture but I don't want to put anything in there.  I just want to enjoy it as it is and don't want anything to detract from how it looks.  My photography skills aren't that great and the pictures really don't even do it justice.  I have been a little pensive about the color of pink we settled on, I was thinking a tad lighter (it looks a bit darker IRL than shows up in the photos), but it's sunk in to my brain now and I really love it.  I love the green even more.  I would paint my bedroom in that color I love it so much.  

We still have some furniture that needs to move back into the nursery and then it will be mostly ready.  I am painting her name letters and some small shelf boxes in the same color of pink to hang on the two walls that don't have any trees to tie it all together.  We still have to get some curtains and a dust ruffle for the crib and then her room will be complete!  

My due date is one month from today!!  I can hardly believe it.  I have a feeling she will come before the 20th, though.  It's actually probably wishful thinking though.  I just don't want the doctor to feel like we need to induce to increase my chances of VBA2C.  I want her to come when she's ready.  I started having some swelling in my feet over the weekend.  It isn't terrible but noticeable.  I hadn't had any trouble with swelling this time around like I had with the boys.  With Lennon, I couldn't really go two hours away in my 3rd trimester or my feet would be huge by the time we got there.  Something about this makes me wonder if she won't be coming sooner too, though the logic is kind of skewed.

I'm so pleased to have things finally coming together and prepared for her.  Now we are ready to just wait on her to join us!  

The weekend was a success!

We  got the nursery ready this weekend.  I say we, but honestly I can take NO credit for it.  All of the work was done by Chad, Eric, and Megan.  They did a great job but you'll just have to take my word for it for the time being.  I took some pictures but when I inserted the SD card from the camera it wanted me to format it, and though I denied it, I still couldn't access the 60 or so pictures from the last couple of weeks on it.  I'm going to try and access the pictures using the cord from the camera (if I can find it) or use the printer.

So for now, you'll have to take my word for it that the room looks awesome.  Chad also put the crib together last night and it is more beautiful than I could have imagined, too.  It is way more sturdy and solid than the crib we used for the boys but it actually ended up costing about the same with the 25% coupon we got for trading in the much worn and chewed on older crib.  I'm so pleased with it.

The house is still in disarray because of all of the stuff out of the nursery but I think that in the next few weeks we'll be able to wrap those things up and here soon our house will finally be homey again!  I can't wait!